Trapped Inside a Month of Grey.
Thursday, Oct. 05, 2006 @ 4:18 p.m.

Hey, guess what? Getting a gum graft is a major bummer. Major! Bummer! It's quite the story, kids. I know I promised California trip pictures and all that, but the gum graft takes the stage today because I'm mother-f'ing sick of the whole thing.

I went in last Thursday for my graft appointment, happily sedated with some but not all of the drugs they gave me. I wasn't comatose but I really didn't care what they did to me. My periodontist (who looks just like Larry David) numbed me up and it kind of hurt in the cold, sharp way that Novocain shots do. It was expected. They left me for a few minutes until I was all ready and got to work.

Most gum grafts harvest the grafty skin from the root of your mouth, which is what I was expecting, so I was really surprised when after rooting and scraping around for a few minutes the doctor starts to suture me up. (It turns out he got the tissue from...somewhere else. I'm not really sure, actually.) While all this activity took place the assistant and the doctor discussed an episode of Bones, which I thought was funny. I remember being amused but that was probably the Xanax talking.

Then I was done! They stuck a putty-like dressing over the whole thing and send me on my way armed with a prescription for Percocet and some antibiotics. I went home, posted some drugged messages on the various message boards I'm a member of (like drunk-dialing, but funnier. I'm good like that.) and then I took a Percocet and went to sleep. I vaguely remember waking up right before 8pm, concerned that I'd miss My Name is Earl and The Office, but then the power went out and it was curtains for the rest of the night.

Friday I woke up, ate some oatmeal, took my meds and 20 minutes later was puking with wild abandon. I spent the rest of Friday mewling on the couch and feeling sorry for myself. Dinner was two spoonfuls of mashed potatoes. Wah, poor me.

The rest of the weekend was about recovering and missing beer. Yes, rule #10 on the recovery list I was given: no alcohol. This sucks so bad I can't even tell you. I WANT MY BOOZE. Also, if you need to lose a few pounds, get a gum graft. I can only eat tiny bites of food from the right side of my mouth instead of shoveling it in with both hands like I'm accustomed to doing. The most bizarre thing happened the other night at dinner: I actually got bored eating dinner. I know! The whole process of the tiny bites and cutting shit up was so tiresome that I just quit. That has never happened to me before, like, ever.

Anyway, everything was rolling along okay until this morning when my putty-like dressing came off. This was no big deal, as they said it was fine to let it go, but UNDERNEATH! The horror, people, the horror. It looks...bad. There are weird stitches and the grafted gum is very white which makes me wonder if the tissue is not grafting but is instead dead and rotting away right there, sewed to my gums! GAH! Horrible does not even cover it. The graft site is also more hurty now that it's lost the protective layer of putty. Putty! I want my putty back. I cry bitter baby tears about the whole thing.

Also to be filed under "Major Bummer" is the following:

- What is with Japan electing a new prime minister? Did they not enjoy the old Graceland-visiting guy with the excellent hairdo? I loved him! He was precious.

- Is there a law that it has to rain every time I have a craft show/bike race weekend? That's not working for me.

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