Here's a list of what's going on. Pay attention, now.

1. Holy freaking crap, remember when I said the call from Anderson Cooper was the Best. Birthday. Ever? Well, Andy's got competition. Last night Kenny and I drove to Charlottesville (in 17 minutes!) to see Kathy Griffin live. It was AMAZING. Seriously, she is my new best friend, she just doesn't know it yet. (Is that creepy? I think that might be creepy.)

She delivered like gangbusters! The show started with snarky snark about Bush, Cheney, Laura Bush, and Bill O'Reilly. Lots of stuff about Hurricane Katrina and how much the administration sucks, and oh yeah, so does Dr. Phil. She hates them all and was hilarious.

Because we were in Charlottesville there were a few stiff old-money whiteys in the row ahead of us who did not think this part was funny, but that made it funnier. The older guy's face got all red when she talked about Hillary Clinton. Those conservative really, really hate Hillary, don't they.

She told stories about Clay Aiken, Celine Dion, Ashton Kutcher, Star Jones, all of it. She mentioned love for Anderson Cooper and also! for The Lil'est Cowboy on American Idol. Ah h-love him so much and I can't believe they kicked him off. Sure, he couldn't sing, but honestly NONE OF THEM CAN. They all suck! Why not just let the lil cowboy stick around? Like a mascot. He was actually shorter than Seacrest and how often does that happen? Like never!

Her last story was about how she got locked out of her hotel room at the Palms wearing nothing but a t-shirt, at which point she dropped trou onstage and did the whole bit with her pants around her ankles. I laughed so hard my jaw hurt afterwards. It was GREAT. Thanks Kenny for a great birthday present!

2. My goddamn hair. I have funky hair and I love the funky. I love that it's cut with a razor and sticks out and shit, but the last haircut was not so fortunate. The long bits in the front wouldn't work right and then I realized, after much obsessive scrutiny, that a chunk was missing. It got cut out and the longer layers around it are not hearty enough to cover it. I have to go and get it fixed up on my lunch break today and I'm not amused.

3. March of the Penguins. Have you guys seen this? We finally watched it last weekend and it wrecked me. I was a big snotty blubbering mess. They penguins have it so hard! And the fluffy little babies all balanced on their parents feet so they don't insta-freeze! What kind of life is this? They are fucked completely and it made me so sad. I wanted to trek out there and give them little cups of coffee and bowls of hot oatmeal. I am serious. I thought it was a "family" movie but man, that is some seriously emotional BAGGAGE they gave me. Morgan Freeman was talking about how this penguin, who hasn't eaten in THREE MONTHS, wore itself out trying to walk SEVENTY MILES back to the ocean on those tiny little penguin legs so it just fell over and faded away. Faded away? We all know you mean DIED, Morgan, so don't even start with me. Wah, I cannot handle this stuff. AND NOW I'M TALKING IN CAPS AND WE ALL KNOW THAT'S INTERNET FOR YELLING. WHAT? I CAN'T HEAR YOU.

4. You know what would be funny? Every time the local TV weather guy get a boner about snow and then stands outside to report on it when it's not even snowing yet, I think it would be funny to dress up like the abominable snowman and skulk around in the background making monster noises. I could get a lot done if I didn't have a full-time job, I tell you.

5. I changed the template on the Keen website so I demand you all go and take a look.

6. My mother. Oh my God. I love her but damn. Before Christmas she demanded that I buy a deeply-discounted and simply enormous frozen turkey for the family Christmas dinner. I stored it in our tiny freezer waiting for her to claim it. She never did and when I asked her what the fucking deal was she was all "Oh, those turkeys are full of hormones and no good. Just throw it away." Throw it away? She wants me to throw away a 15 pound turkey? I told her that I couldn't do it - that critter died to be someone's dinner and lo, someone was going to damn eat it. I'm seriously thinking about waiting until she's out and then sneaking it into her fridge. Ha. But honestly, what the fuck? I'm not going to cook a whole turkey, so what should I do with it? Honestly.

7. I'm suddenly feeling pressure to make this joint last until #10. I don't know if I really have ten things to talk about.

8. Ha, see how I cheated just then? I'm snaky.

9.I just realized that the mail guy has not been through today. It's like a President's Day miracle.

10. Oh thank God. See? TEN. I really have listing issues. I have more issues than that, but odd numbers seem unbalanced to me. I am all about symmetry and balance. Oh! I just remembered what the other thing I wanted to tell you about was. Okay, Kenny and I really don't make a big deal about Valentine's day (though the 15th was our ten year dating anniversary. Aw.) however, I found him the most insanely hilarious gift and I must describe it to you.

I got him a little pink plastic gift bag/package (the transparent crinkly kind), the center piece of which is a small glass bottle of Coca-cola, flanked by some Lance Toast-Chee crackers (SQUARE NABS) on one side and a package of Reese�s cups on the other. Around the back is a small package of Lance salted peanuts. At the bottom there is some decorative fluff and a handful of chocolate kisses.

The best part? I didn't make it, it CAME THIS WAY. The local grocery store makes up all kinds of weirdo Valentine's gifts and I think I bought the cream of the crop, so to speak.

That's it, kids. Go home.

7 chatty monkeys