I've often said there's seriously nothing more boring than hearing about someone else's dreams, but I'm going to tell you mine from last night because I really don't know what the hell is going on with my subconscious. Okay, so last night I saved my best friend, her husband, and some unknown assy friend of his from a Jeep that had just been driven right over an embankment and into a lake. The unknown assy friend drove us into the lake on purpose. What an ass! No problem though, I saved all of them. Your guess is as good as mine.

Maybe it has to do with the fact that the world is fucking falling apart? Earthquakes, Tsunami, landslides, flooding, 12 feet of snow, it's everywhere. Everywhere but here, where tomorrow it's going to be 70 degrees and Saturday the high will be 37. What. Ever.

There's some sort of nature upheaval going on and it's terrifying. This is right about the time where the scientist trot out all the facts about how eleventy billion years ago there was an earthquake way bigger that, like, created all the continents as we know them. Oh, and by the way, the ocean is rising pretty significantly and by 2100 all kinds of shit will be messed up. That's fantastic, but could we focus on now? Hey rich fuckers, could we focus on NOT donating 18 million to the Goddamn inauguration (oh, and if you're sporting one of those "W. Still the President" stickers you're so gonna get the gas face from me. Assholes.) and maybe help the people who are, weeks later, still looking for lost family members? Who still don't have clean water, food, clothes to wear or anywhere to live? I'm overwhelmed and also a little bitchy about this.

Special memo to Star Fucking Jones:

You're blessed, are you? You're super-duper extra specially blessed because you vacationed in Thailand in November and God spared you from death by Tsunami? You're so right. God sent down a super-special message to save your endorsed ass, and that of your TOTALLY GAY husband, because he wanted you to crash and burn right before our very eyes. Any day now, sweetheart. We're all waiting.

PS. Did anyone watch the landslide footage in California? Was it me or was the video camera being held by a woman who was running and screaming "Get the kids!" Hey lady, maybe if you PUT THE CAMERA DOWN you could do that yourself? Weird, the overwhelming need to document everything. If I was standing on a rickety balcony watching my village get washed away, I'd probably want that camera hand to hold on for dear life with, but that's just me. Amazing and horrible, the disaster footage.

I need to move on to less traumatic things. Lists are good.

Confessions (not by Usher, who I loathe.)

- I've been wearing the same pair of one-week disposable contact lenses for way more than a month.

- I like the new Gwen Stefani album. A lot. It's really good for listening to while you work out. Or whatever.

- Rachael Ray? I think I like her. I mean, I really like her, not just to make fun of. Not that I'm going to stop making fun of her, but I can't simultaneously hate her and love watching her show and recipes. I knew it was all over when I added her cookbooks to my amazon wishlist.

- I haven't been to the dentist in over a year (but I floss every day!)

- I don't wash my jeans until they smell a little funky and I have clothes that have NEVER been drycleaned or anythingcleaned. I'm a dirty girl.

- I was completely shocked that Jennifer Aniston and Brad Pitt broke up. There are two school of why, one being the "he wanted babies and she didn't" school, the other being the "Goddamn Angelina Jolie needs to get her own freaking man" school. I'm siding with the latter because, you know, she's got a bit of a track record. Skank.

Another List: Losing my mind, one freakish quirk at a time.

- Soggy food grosses me out. I have a very specific childhood memory of some kid's mom trying to make me eat a sandwich after I spilled Kool-Aid on it. As if, lady.

- This item, is my hell. Why on earth would I want my entire house to smell like fake flowers? Nasty.

- I have a favorite fork. Also, I have a favorite knife. I don't have a favorite spoon, but we do own spoons that I refuse to eat with. Hey, I like nice tools and utensils are tools.

- My closet doors must be closed every night or I can't go to sleep.

- It drive me crazy when people use shopping carts at stores like Marshall's and then only use them to block the ENTIRE AISLE.

- The smell of microwave popcorn makes me violent. It's so gross.

- I have a husband. I do not have a "hubby". I wear underwear. I do not wear "panties" (or, as the Victoria's Secret model likes to call them, "paahhhnties.")

Love, love love

Despite my raging guilt for abandoning the local video store, I have to admit my burning love for Netflix. It's the best thing, EVER. They just send, send, send DVDs of my choosing and they have such good stuff to pick from. We've currently been watching season 1 of "Kung Fu" which I'd never even heard of. However, having watched a few episodes, so many things have fallen into place. Like, you know how there's that whole thing where geeks call newbies "grasshopper?" And you know it's some sort of martial-arts reference, but you don't know where it came from? It came from Kung Fu. (Rest assured: I'm pretty sure that everyone in the world already knew this but me.) It's really an amazingly good show, especially by today's crappy standards. It's restrained, doesn't insult the viewer's intelligence, and it's got the kind of pacing you only find in foreign films these days. I recommend and I'm not even a martial-artsy kind of girl. Currently in our queue:

Napoleon Dynamite
Garden State
Riding Giants
The Manchurian Candidate
The Village
Harold and Kumar Go to White Castle
Spellbound
Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy

One final note: Sunday is my birthday! Do you think Anderson will bring me ponies this year?

8 chatty monkeys