Like Jude Law's ass, it is in my head. For real, I was going to write an entry about How I Survived Thanksgiving, but then someone distracted me by searching "Jude Law's Ass" and coming up with this entry of mine in which I generated a ditty about that wondrous item. I need to incorporate it into my every day chatter. I could say: "A peppermint mocha, like Jude Law's ass, it is in my head." That is very nice.

Ahem. So lately the smallest things have been making me feel homicidal, all of them seeming to revolve around my car. My car is truly a pathetic little beast but it still (mostly) runs and I'll keep driving it until it won't go anymore.

It's a little depressing to park around here because the affluent students all drive Escalades and BMWs. You can tell the employee's cars because they are much more average. I wonder what it's like to be 18 years old and drive a 30K car? It's just so wrong. So, bugging me:

- If there is even the tiniest bit of precipitation overnight, my car says NO and stalls out again and again. A soothing coat of DW-40 will eventually bring it around, but much coaxing and petting is required first.

-The goddamn driver's side door doesn't stay open, so if I'm trying to get out of the car and I have my hands full I have to do this three part maneuver that involves one foot holding the door open while I shimmy sideways and then lever myself out of the car in the manner of a pregnant woman. Then I have to move fast before the door swings shut. God, that's annoying. If your car doors stay OPEN when you open them, consider yourself lucky. Never thought about that before, did you.

- The godddamn radio button is broken. the power button has a short in it so the only way to have the radio on is by carefully shoving a strategically folded wodge of paper in next to it to hold it in at EXACTLY the magic right spot. I know I've talked about this before but the magic right spot seems to be more and more elusive. If I accidentally brush against the paper it's ALL OVER and I have to start the whole procedure again. Last night the freaking BUTTON fell out so I had to feel around the floor of the car until I found it and then get it back in and then to the wodge thing (which, if you think about it, would be an excellent after-market product. Kenny thought of it - and after-market Wodge� for all your broken button and lever needs! Window won't stay rolled up? Wodge�. vent won't stay open? Wodge�. Crying baby in the back seat won't shut up? Wodge�.) See, and I know you're thinking "Adrien, why don't you just buy another goddamn radio, maybe one with a CD player?" I've thought about it, but you know the minute I got that puppy installed the whole car would fall apart. It would.

- The hood of my car is molting. The grimy protective paint layer is peeling off, bit by bit, exposing a smooth and shiny undercoat which will look pretty spanky when it's done. However, it will probably start to rust before that happens, so there you go.

Don't know what to buy me for Christmas? Here's the extended play version:

- a Mini Cooper (red with white racing stripes)
- a pony
- a decorator to help me figure out what damn color to paint the kitchen*
- Roomba!
- a full set of Calphalon cookware
- KitchenAid mixer (chartreuse)
- my credit card paid off
- Dansko clogs
- a silver mini iPod
- all 7 seasons of Buffy on DVD
- Keen Eddie on DVD
- a stack of shiny new books to read
- a swell new job for my husband
- a Santa Cruz Superlight
- straight teeth
- TiVo
- new doors and windows for the house

Fun! Everyone should do this! It will make you realize exactly how materialistic you are.

* Okay, I get the week between Christmas and New Year's Day off, so I'm going to paint the kitchen, if only I could figure out what color. Can you guys help me? It's a galley kitchen, small and dark, with the cabinets taking up most of one wall. The other wall is split by chair-rail molding and there's a cool little built-in phone niche. Here's a bad picture that shows the cabinet wall:

I want the end result to be light and a little funky and I'm taking inspiration from my fiesta ware. Here's what makes it difficult:

- The countertop is dark and light green "marble" linoleum
- The backsplash is this horrible black/grey/white speckled sheet crap (that I think I'm just going to paint over for now)
- The cabinets are currently a horrible pale blue/grey/green
- The walls are a color that can only be known as "dingy"
- Most of the appliances are white

I really can't change out the horrible green countertop so I'm going to work with it. My ideas are:

- white cabinets and trim; cream/off-white walls on the lower half and bright salmon colored walls just on the upper half of the wall.

- celery-colored cabinets with white trim, with warm pale yellow or cream walls.

- white/off-white walls with warm sunny yellow trim and cabinets

Keep in mind, our living room is a warm yellow cream and our dining room (which looks into the kitche) is this crazy color:

Help? Suggestions? I like the idea of color and I don't want it to be boring, but I also don't want it to be a clown kitchen. My kitchen, like Jude Law's ass, it is in my head.

8 chatty monkeys