It is time for me to writewritewrite like a busy monkey. Throw me some peanuts and I will dance for you.

Okay, damn. I just drank a double cappuccino and my brain is all buzzy but not very organized. My job continues to be very good and the few times I get annoyed I just harken back days of Crazy Bitch yore and I instantly feel better. As one of my Great-New-Job-Perk-continuing-education-courses I'm taking "Personal Trainer" which means I get a personal trainer for five free sessions. Free rules. I love free. I went for my fitness evaluation and they put electrodes on me and from that determined that I am 20% fat and 80% everything else. Not bad. Then they put me on a bike (ha! suckers.) and measured my VO2, which was excellent. Hark at me.

Then we did some pushups (excellent) a flexibility test (average), something called RHR that I don't even remember (above average) and then, sit ups. Not the girly little crunches, oh no. We did middle-school-gym-class-sit-on-her-feet-while-she-struggles FULL sit ups. Who does those? Clearly not me as I scored BELOW AVERAGE. The trainer looked at me in consternation and was all "what's up with that, fitness bitch?" I blushed, because I don't even have abs of tinfoil, much less of steel and with all the working out I do you'd think I'd be less jelly-like in the belly. IT'S GENETIC. BLAME MY MOTHER.

So, guess what we'll be working on? A lot? Ouch.

In other news, spiders. For some reason, there has been a serious LOT of spider action going on in town. Now, I'm down with spiders in general because they eat mosquitoes, my deeply #1 enemy. However, when you mountain bike, you go through a lot of spider webs. Big ones. There's nothing like screaming your way down a steep hill with a large web across your face. You wonder "Where might that spider be right now?" and "Is that spider angry or does it think it just caught me?" and "A web that large had to be made by a large spider, who's current location is unknown, but might be my in my pants." It makes for an interesting sport, though I do like watching some of the grown men I ride with completely freak out when they discover a spider on their person. The bug dance is always funny if it's not you.

There's currently a gigantic (I assume) spider in our yard, because it keeps making huge, gorgeously-constructed, webs that are, no shit, five feet in diameter. The anchors are: a high tree limb, our fence and, occasionally, my car. This web gets bigger and bigger and I honestly thing the spider is gunning for one of the cats. I wouldn't put it past her, man. One day I'm going to come home and Stella is going to be dangling from the web, mewing pathetically, while Charlotte wraps her tighter and mumbles under her breath about all her relatives webs we've totally destroyed while mountain biking. Wait and see.

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Because I haven't bored you all enough with my biking talk, tomorrow I'm going to an all-girls mountain bike ride and dragging along my poor non-mountain-biking friend Meg, promising her it will be Big Fun and she Won't Die, I promise! After the ride, the boys will be cooking for us. Hahahaa. I'll be sure to report back in full.

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So, I went power-shopping on my lunch break (hush, Kenny) and ran into this guy who I haven't seen in six years. We used to have a love/hate crush thing years ago when we worked together at a movie theater. He hadn't seen me since the Great Weight Loss Experiment and was falling over himself telling me that he was there with his SISTER. Uh huh. Also? HA. THAT'S WHAT YOU GET FOR STANDING ME UP, YOU ASS.

When I saw him initially, he was sitting outside of Chipotle (with his SISTER) staring at me and it took me a few seconds to recognize him. He smiled. I smirked, shook my head no and breezed past him into the restaurant. This apparently didn't faze him at all because he followed me in to say hi. The first words out of my mouth when he walked up were "Damn, I should've moved out of this town." This apparently only made him want me more because dude tried to give me his BUSINESS CARD.

LOSER.

Hee. Have a good weekend, monkeys!

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