I've gotten out of the habit of writing regular entries, but honestly, I don't always know what to write about. I try to keep this journal aboveboard and not too personal, so even though there is serious stuff going on, I don't feel like it's journal fodder. I will mention one personal thing that happened that's pretty excellent: I have a new niece! This actually happened several weeks ago and I'd like to post a picture, but I figured I should get her mother's permission first.

Babies are pretty interesting if by interesting I mean terrifying. I hold this soft warm nugget of brand-new critter (who's name is Juliette, by the way) and something just happens. My ovaries start nudging each other with clucks and raised eyebrows, while my brain is busy screaming "Don't DROP HER. YOU MIGHT BREAK HER. HOLY GOD WHAT IF YOU TRIPPED AND DROPPED HER. WATCH HER HEAD. OH MY GOD, SHE JUST YAWNED. THAT WAS CUTE. HAND HER BACK RIGHT NOW!"

Woo, no issues here, no siree.

In other news, my tomato plants...Ha, got you. You guys thought I was going to talk about those tomato plants again, didn't you. I'm not. Really, not going to. I realized I might have a problem when Noah accused me of being some sort of Tomato Deviant. Seriously, my plan is to cut them up slowly and rub them on myself while leering into a webcam. You so wish.

In other news, I just got back from lunch with my former co-worker and she made me thank my lucky freaking stars that I don't work there anymore. Apparently Evil Boss Lady has hired herself a new toady who's job consists solely of "managing the floor" which translates to: "spy on everyone and lower the morale". She's got a corporate background and has already written up a dress code that bans jeans on Friday. Bitch! She's also put a stop to frivolous internet usage. Also, Evil Boss slipped a disc and has been in a REALLY good mood. lalala, I'm free!

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Who Wants Pop Culture?

Blow Out. Please tell me someone else is watching this beaut of a reality show. I've never, in all my days, seen a man so insecure. He's the Worst Manager Ever and only sweats the small stuff. And he's gross. Really, $400 for a haircut and you think calling me "gorgeous" and "baby" is gonna fly?

And I love the big deal they made first two episodes about How Very Straight he is. To add to the slime, he only hires pretty girls, which is evident in the episode where his assistant finds three possible new assistants for him, but he doesn't like them (it's implied that they're not hot enough). He ended up hiring a "hot" girl with an ironic mullet. He's gross. Gross, I say!

Ooooh, and the product placement! The Revlon contract cracks me up because no way would a Beverly Hills salon carry a drugstore line. Ha. And the Lenscrafters commercial? The one that was part of the show? Shameful. I adore it.

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David. David, David, David. I practically fell off the couch when I read the CNN ticker about his angioplasty. That's bad news, aging rocker what I love. Guess all those drugs and cigarettes weren't such a good idea, man. I love you anyway. Take care! Damn.

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Paris Hilton. Good God. I accidentally watched an episode of Simple Life 2 and was delighted to see Paris Hilton get bucked off a horse. Haw! See, the rancher asked if she wanted to ride and she was all "I love to ride! I've been riding since I was little!" Then she asked him how to make the horse "go fast". Dude. If you've been riding all your life you know how to make a damn horse gallop.

Anyway, as per instructions, she kicks the horse and off it goes, which makes her shriek like a banshee. The horse, unused to carrying an ass-crack-showing banshee, wisely bucks her right off. She had dirt on her face and everything! It was great. I was pleased, until they MedEvaced her spoiled little flat ass out of there. Seriously, she was pouting and walking around so I doubt the helicopter was necessary. She was fine (hmph) so they sent her back to the ranch where she told the rancher she "hated" the horse. Ha.

(It suddenly occurs to me that I just used up valuable brain cells typing up an account of Paris Hilton falling off a horse on TV. Baby needs a hobby.)

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I am a Commie pinko terrorist person, apparently, because I don't particularly desire Lance Armstrong to win the Tour de France. I love me some Tour, but there are 179 other people in that race and I am rooting for several of them. This shocks people completely. See, in the US, Lance Armstrong is the only person in the race. Those other guys? Just there to give him someone to beat. Every person I've mentioned the Tour to immediately asks "how's Lance doing?" Yeah, he's doing fine, thanks for asking.

Here's the thing. I am a Lance Armstrong fan, in that I think he's an amazing cyclist and cancer survivor/fundraiser. This is all commendable. However, I am not really a fan of Lance Armstrong because I think he's kind of an ass and type-As make me nervous. I understand that this is often the personality type that Gets Things Done, but it so isn't my style.

Also, he's boinking Sheryl Crow which the Outdoor Life Network never lets us forget because they keep interviewing her. What the hell does she know about the Tour? Not much, except for what Lance looks like naked. We know this because she was giggling about how he sleeps with the mattress on the floor in the hotel. Damn. And really, now. That's enough of that. So GO Jan Ullrich, Tyler Hamilton, Iban Mayo and Roberto Heras. Give him a run for his money!

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Did you know you can buy a refrigerator with a television built right in the front? Only $3,500 and it's yours! Now, I love some TV, but really? I can take a break when I go to get a beer. I can't imagine any scenario that involves me in the kitchen staring at the fridgTV. Pimp my fridge!

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Speaking of pimping, have you seen Mtv's Pimp My Ride? I need this show so badly, but I'm too old and don't live in southern California. The basic premise is that a group of car detailer guys takes a sad, sad car and pimp it out to ridiculous proportions. This one girl, for example, was a yoga instructor, so they installed a tiny serenity fountain between the front seats. Yeah, that's practical. They also installed a big 15-inch monitor in the back so she could do yoga in her Land Cruiser. Oooh kay? Or, she could just give it a few days and see how long it takes for that stuff to get ripped off.

The best part of the show is that they put upwards of $20,000 worth of work into these junk-ass cars but no mention is ever made regarding the, you know, ENGINE. They don't touch the part that actually makes the car go. Ha. I totally wish they'd pimp my sad little ride. Maybe a giant monkey on the hood? A tricked-out bike rack on top? A built in espresso machine? Yes, indeedy.

Time to wrap this up, I guess. I talk too much. Bye bye.

11 chatty monkeys