Demotivated.
Wednesday, Oct. 08, 2003 @ 10:40 p.m.

Commercial for $40 a Day: "Stay tuned for Rachel Ray's $40 a Day. Will Rachel blow her budget in Chicago?"

Kenny: "Not the way she tips."

Haw! She truly is the cheapest bitch, ever.

So hi there. Guess what I'm watching? Food Network! So I have to ask, did anyone watch Oliver's Twist tonight? I missed the beginning, but it seriously appeared as if Jamie was preparing a gay feast in order to woo a yaht-owning sugar daddy. When he climbed on board, I half expected him to drop to his knees and get to work. Is it me? Am I wrong?

I mean, I watched him prepare dainty lobster sandwiches, fruit with clotted cream (with vanilla sugar!) and, no shit, champagne cocktails with fresh strawberries. I turned to Kenny and said "Serious, if he's preparing that picnic for one of his mates, I think someone should have a talk with his wife." Hee.

In other television news, am I really the only one watching Newlyweds: Jessica & Nick? Last night was a doozy. See, Jessica and Nick are filming her video for "Sweetest Sin" in which they're standing in a waterfall, half naked and making out. And her dad is watching. And smiling. HER DAD. So then her dad says something like "Jessica waited until she got married to have sex and now she can do it until she's blue in the face! That's what the song is about." HER DAD SAID THAT. WHILE WATCHING THEM MAKE OUT. God. If I thought my father ever, once...no. I can't even type that. Moving on!

*********

Dear California,

You idiots.

Love,

Would never vote for that ass-grabbing, unqualified, wiener in a million years because I have a brain in my head.

*********

So what else? The new job is progressing, I guess. I'm not quite so fearful, but I don't quite feel comfy there either. Next week, I'll be travelling throughout North Carolina with my new boss. Yay! If by yay I mean hold me?

So, here's something I find annoying about my new job: motivational posters. You know what I'm talking about. I hate them, and there are two hung right across from my cube. I see them all day, but lack the motivation to pull them off the wall and stomp on them. Ha, I guess they don't work! I was wondering if I'd get fired for bringing in a demotivational poster or calendar, but then decided I should be good and toe the line.

But then! Rays of snarky sunshine! A co-worker was paging through a bunch of Despair.com demotivators and snorking out loud. She loved them! There's hope yet. I might, after all, be in the right place.

But before we all get warm and fuzzy, I have a problem. I know, shocking. See, here it is: I hate Halloween. Oh, shut up. You'd think I'd just said I enjoy wapping baby harp seals for fun. Really, I'm an introvert and I don't enjoy the whole wearing a costume thing. Back in college I was a costume master (notable costumes includes: Joan of Arc, The Virgin Mary and Diana, Goddess of the Hunt. Yes, I'm an art-school dork.) but really, I mostly just enjoyed designing the constumes, not wearing them. (Until I ended up a drunken Virgin Mary, singing "Respect" in a bar with a cigarette in one hand and a beer in the other. Classy.) Mostly, I just don't do the Halloween thing anymore. I'm a Halloween scrooge who lost her groove.

The problem? Right. See, the new office I work in does a Halloween workday costume party thing. This means I have to come to work wearing a costume. To quote the great Ralphie: "I don't wanna!" Really, I don't want to. At all. In any way. But I'm the new girl in an office of maybe seven people and there's no way around it. Suggestions? Help me, please.

Alright, classy bitches. It's my bedtime. You have homework! Please think of a low cost, non-sexy cat/devil/secretary, costume for me. Remember, I have to wear it all day at work. Also, no face painting. And no clowns. NO CLOWNS.

8 chatty monkeys

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