Let Me Bore You Senseless.
Friday, Nov. 17, 2006 @ 2:36 p.m.

I'm on day five of eating no sugar and boy am I cranky. I've had to go cold turkey because I don't have an off button when it comes to candy. We have a bunch of leftover Halloween candy and I could not stop shoving those mini Snickers in my pie hole. Kenny threw them in the freezer but that doesn't really work because a) I know where the freezer is and b) frozen Snickers? Are crazy delicious.

I have probably written about this before, but I used to be pretty overweight. I was sort of average sized in high school, despite a daily lunch consisting of a Coke, cheez balls and a Snickers bar (oh, delicious Snickers! You love me all through my life.) In college I spent all my food money on cigarettes and coffee, so I managed to stave off the crazy weight gain until after college, when I started waiting tables at Oven of Fat* aka The Virginia Museum Member's Dining room. The very best thing about this gig was that you could eat anything you wanted, for FREE. So I did. I really, really did. Lunches often consisted of a chicken caesar salad chased with a slice of cheesecake or two. Dinner depended on what event I was working. If it was a passed hors d'oeuvres thing, I would eat my weight in cheese puffs and bacon-wrapped scallops. And don't forget your shift beer at 2am!

To round things out, I also got a job working at a bar, where I sampled every micro-brew on the east coast. Hello, Fatty McFatterson! I think I gained nearly forty pounds in about two years. Nice!

When I turned 25 I decided I was done being a smoker, so I quit doing that. I didn't gain more weight, but I didn't lose any either. I started going to the gym but I didn't change my eating habits at all. At this point I�d traded my restaurant jobs in for eight hours of sitting at a desk. Kenny and I also enjoyed eating out, following by a stop at Dairy Queen on the way home. Sweet.

Anyway, I got fed up one day about five years ago and I started making serious changes. I joined a new gym and stepped up the exercise. I started mountain biking. I started lifting weights. It worked so well I started doing it even more and eating even less. The weight fell off like crazy. Then I got laid off. With nothing else to do I started going to the gym even more, training harder, and controlling my food like crazy. I was relentless and driven and really, really fucking annoying. But damn I looked good. People who hadn't seen me in a while freaked out. It was the best party trick I'd ever had.

My favorite story: There's this friend of mine who, in college, set me up with one of his good friends. We went on a couple of dates and I thought he was pretty interesting but after two dates he stopped returning my calls. I'd run into him out and about pretty frequently and he did the Richmond Eye-Slide**, where he'd pretend not to see me. Nice! That always makes a girl feel special.

Fast forward eight years - I'm in the grocery store during the summer of my unemployment. I'm toned, I'm tan, and I�m wearing a tank top and mini skirt. He see's me and does a double take and then HAS THE NERVE to come chat me up! The fuck, dude! Seriously, he gushed about how great I looked and how fantastic it was to see me and what was I doing that weekend? I casually scratched my head, flashing him with my grandmother's diamond and platinum jerk-deflector. He slunk away. It was fabulous.

And addictive. I kept losing weight and people started to notice in a different way, a concerned way. I started having dizzy spells and couldn't figure out what was causing them. In my stupidity I had neglected to realize that, duh, you need to eat at least as many calories as you burn off. Then I started my temp job (which started this journal) and gained back a few much-needed pounds.

Lest you worry, I'm now a good 10 pounds heavier than I was when people started Looking Concerned and I eat like a horse. I also exercise like one. However, I got a little too slack on the eating in the past year (sugar is my crack) and now I'm trying to get a head start on the holidays so that number doesn't keep inching up. God, isn't this boring? I'm sorry; I don't even know why I wrote all this out except that it's been such a big part of my daily existence. I'm 100% positive all my friends are thoroughly sick of hearing about it. I'm sort of sick of it myself.

Another Story, one to make you laugh

I am sincerely so dumb sometimes it's amazing I don't get a medal in the Dumb Olympics. So, so dumb. Here's what happened: Yesterday morning my computer (which is a small CPU with the flat-screen monitor on top) started wheezing and squeaking and finally freaked out and shut itself down. I restarted and it was fine for a second and then shut itself down again. I sighed and left a message for the helpdesk and tidied up while waiting for them to call me back. I filed papers, removed the "call the vet" Post-It from the front of my computer and dusted around the phone.

Then I restarted it again and it was fine - completely fine. The helpdesk called back and I told them what happened and mentioned that it was working fine now, the fan had been really noisy but now...its...fine. Oh.

Whoops.

Yeah, that Post-It? WAS COVERING THE FAN. I realized this while talking to IT but I was so embarrassed by my stupidity that I didn't tell them it was my fault. Despite my insistence that all was well, they still sent out a weird mouth-breather to replace some stuff and make it all better. For the record, I'm still really embarrassed, but not so much that I won't tell you guys!

* There's a joke here, but it's better told in person. Friends of my dads used to go to a diner with one of those push-letter menus above the grill. "Oven of fat, 1.00" was one of the menu items and they were confounded. They finally got up the nerve to ask, and it turns out someone had moved a letter. It was supposed to read: "Oven off at 1:00."

** The Richmond Eye-Slide is what you do when you run into a former acquaintance at the grocery store or wherever and rather than go through the fake smile routine you just let your eyes slide right over them as if they aren't there. I'm good at it.

Have a good weekend, kids!

5 chatty monkeys

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