"Corn that tastes like candy. I can't wait." (takes it, takes a bite) "SON OF A BITCH!" -Lewis Black

Yay, it's Halloween. For me, Halloween is really just too stressful to deal with, mostly because I can't just go buy a costume; bought costumes are for the uncreative. Oh no, I have to MAKE my costume. Then, if I do construct and wear a costume I feel like an ass in it. I'm always a little embarrassed by the people who show up for work in full costume, but it's not really an issue here.

Thankfully, I escaped all this creative pressure by not getting invited to anything this year. Everyone hates me. Instead, I can watch Veronica Mars while I eat the candy meant for trick-or-treaters. Mostly we only get a few kids, some of whom are...not children and not in costume. When that happens I feel like I'm giving them candy in exchange for not robbing me. "Here's your fun-size Twix! Please don't break out my car window!" Anyway, I haven't bought any decorations or decorative squash items, so just call me a Halloween scrooge. I am too old for this shit. I will, however, clean up on lovely skull items on clearance at Target tomorrow. I may be old but I'm not crazy.

Sorry, I know I'm lame and left you all hanging with the alpacas and shit and I plan to rectify that. As I suspected, the show was kind of a dud. A fair amount of people showed up but nobody bought a damn thing. We got lots of nice comments though, and every kid that walked by dipped his or her hand in the one cigar box of lentils that we use to anchor the earring rack. Sincerely, kids, they're just freaking LENTILS. They are not magical or made of gold and they're actually kind of nasty because you all keep sticking your hands in them. Now scram.

I actually tried to tell a couple of kids to look with their eyes but realized I'd actually told them to look with their hands, which is why they gave me such a weird look, like, lady, that's what we're doing. Gosh! There were a few notable folks who were not quite crazy, but came close. One was a nice man who asked us many detailed questions about our jewelry construction process. He hung out for quite a while and was wearing a sweatshirt on which someone had needle-pointed Garfield sitting in front of a computer. By hand. Garfield. Sweatshirt. Needlepoint. Could I make this up? I could not.

The show was in a field, surrounded by other fields in which baleful cows watched us with suspicion. Did you know that cows don't actually moo? They really make a horrible noise, that can only be described as unearthly. I suspect that a large number of mythical monsters are actually cattle. Nobody was more freaked out by the cows than the alpacas, however. The alpacas were on threat level 9 with the cattle. They were Concerned.

Early in the day I went to visit the alpacas, and as I was ogling his critters, I thought it only right that I show some interest and chat with the Alpaca Dude who was standing by. I asked some lame question about them and Alpaca Dude gave a deeply bored sigh and started rattling off alpaca facts. Oooohkay then. Just being friendly! I realize now that I basically dipped my hands in his lentils, so I forgive him for his lack of charm.

Around lunchtime, Alpaca Dude's hippie daughters costumed up the critters and led them around:

Sweet, right? I thought so too. Happy Halloween!

1 chatty monkeys