My issues are so beyond ridiculous that I want you to know now that I KNOW THAT. I know there are bigger problems in the world than what I'm about to whine about, but whatever. I would be boring if I told you guys about all the bigger stuff that gets me.

I will tell you that every once in a while, maybe once a week or so, I realize I haven't thought about the Harvey family in a few days and I get a wave of fresh horror and sadness because it never gets less horrible or sad to think about. Time is not softening this one at all. It feels brand new every time I let it back into my brain. God.

Anyway, sorry about that. See what I mean? The lighthearted worry is really preferable because otherwise I'd go crazy.

So here it is: my beloved gym sold out to Jazzercise. Wait for it...yes. Apparently people still do Jazzercise. Who are these Jazzercisers? Really, who are they? I imagine them as the kind of women who peaked in high school and still wear scrunchies. The type that think yogurt has the capacity to be "shoe-shopping good." I mean, Jazzercise? Really?

I should back up a bit. My gym is small and locally owned and has been slowly sliding downhill for the past few years. The equipment is old and the membership dwindling, but I've been there for five years and I love the classes. Classes are my thing - spinning, kickboxing and free weights classes are what I do five times a week. Classes are the one thing my gym does right.

So, besides its general decline, my gym is also being threatened by the shiny and giant new Gold's gym that's being built practically across the street. Oh crap. The solution they came up with: cut a lucrative deal with the devil. Apparently the gym that formerly housed Jazzercise is closing, so they're moving in to MY GYM to the tune of 30 classes A WEEK. I think you can see where this is going.

Several of my beloved classes are getting the shaft - times are being changed, locations are being shifted, it's a big ugly mess. I have to make a hard decision in the next few days and I don't want to. Leaving my gym would be like breaking up with a loved but irresponsible boyfriend, you know? We've been together five years! He may not be terribly dependable but I know him better than anyone. Gold's is the new guy I'm considering dating who is really hot but I don�t really know what kind of guy he is. He could be vain, abusive, neglectful, or worse, boring. Crap.

So what it boils down to is that I have three choices:

1. Stay where I am at the small and more personal gym ($47 a mo.) and suck up the changes to the schedule that will make it impossible for me to take the weeknight kickboxing and weights classes I like. Deal with the influx of 30 Jazzercise classes a week.

2. Join the new Gold's Gym ($29 a mo., two year commitment) which, when it opens will be very large and have new equipment and lots of classes, but also may be over-crowded and impersonal. Also - I would feel like a sell-out.

3. Quit my current gym and use the free gym at work, though it's small, crowded with perky blond students and has severely limited hours during summer/weekends/vacation time.

I went to the other Gold's gym (same owner as the new, not-yet-opened location) on a guest pass last night so I could try out the classes, and oh my God, they totally have robot instructors. They take that shit way, way too seriously, but I think I liked it anyway. It's been a long time since I was the one in the back of the class completely confused.

The kickboxing class was MADNESS. I was all, huh? Do what? Kick where? And they were all "HAW! HUooouH!" Lord above. The instructors also like to sing along with the music and say things like "You ARE an Olympian! You can DO it!" And I'm trying not to crack up because, dude, we're doing lame bicep curls with eight pound weights.

I'm really leaning towards selling myself to Gold�s, though, because I keep giving my current gym opportunities to placate me and they keep failing. Like, I sent an email to the fitness director asking *exactly* what changes were being made and got no reply. I told the front desk people, who acted all surprised that my email would be ignored and they gave me a comment form to fill out, with the assurance that I would be contacted. I filled it out two days ago and, so far, it�s being ignored as well. Do they want me to quit? Because it seems like they want me to quit. Dang.

Anyway, I�ll stew over it another couple of days because why make a decision today when you can put it off until next week? Have a good weekend, kids! Hope your weather is as nice as mine.

5 chatty monkeys