This was Monday:

I woke up fantastically angry this morning which was not helped at all by the Mailroom Guy. I just heard his exaggerated "Ahhh!" after drinking at the water fountain outside my office door and it made me want to shatter into a thousand pieces.

Okay, now he just told someone "Noo! Don't drink the water!" which is Mailroom Guy Clich� #15 and it makes me want to pull the water fountain out of the wall just so I never have to hear him say it to me or anyone else ever again. I fucking HATE that guy.

Now, I feel like I'm probably way more sensitive than the average person (and by sensitive I mean irritable and touchy as all hell) but I have to wonder, how the hell can the rest of the employees here put up with his bullshit? Like, they actually laugh at his sad jokes and don't punch him in the face when he talks to them in what I call his dog voice - that really condescending tone reserved for dogs and kids (if you're an ass and he qualifies). This guy has no intelligence, so for him to condescend to anyone is just beyond reason. It makes me angry.

This is Friday:

I've had an amazingly touchy week. It's partially to be blamed on hormones and partially on this freak-ass weird weather we're having. In what fair world is it 70 degrees in January on a WORK DAY? That's just not right at all. Freaking Virginia, I swear. We have 28 seasons, non-consecutive. I'm used to it and it's certainly better than living in South Dakota or whatever, but some consistency would be nice.

Back on topic: Every. Thing. Irritates. Me. Take note:

- I've been reading a fitness message board recently and I gotta say, it's LOSE not LOOSE. You do not want to loose weight because that's just gross. And annoying as all hell.

- That Cheerios commercial? With the off-key singing girl? What the fuck? I mean, a) I'm not buying any nasty yogurt covered cereal anyway and b) Why do they think off-key singing is going to change my mind?

- The gym. In January. Really, I get the whole "gotta start the new year all healthy" thing, but trying to race me on the elliptical like it's going to make me pay attention to you, sweaty youngster, is only going to amuse and annoy. I am not impressed with your elliptical skillz and also? You smell a little bit. Same goes for spinning class. You can whip your feet around as fast as you're able, but you're not DOING anything unless you actually pressed down on that resistance knob.

- Welcome to Moe's. I like eating at Moe's but I hate how if you get a burrito naked (without the tortilla - I like ordering the Naked Art Vandelay, personally) you don't automatically get chips and then you have to ask and they get huffy. But dude, I'm sparing you a tortilla so GIVE ME MY CHIPS. It's all worth it for the tomatillo sauce.

- Customer Service is a dead art. I went to Dillards to exchange some unmentionables for a different size and to also buy a slip. I was the only person in the store and the woman working the counter had the look of a bitter mouth-breather. She was. She did the exchange, but only after asking me if I was sure I was buying the right size this time. No, lady, I'm deliberately buying the wrong size twice. What? Then she rings up the slip which had a price tag that stated it was fourteen American dollars. It rang up as $16.00. We had the following exchange:

Me:

"Excuse me, the slip is ringing up at $16. The price tag says $14."

Mouth-breather:

"Well, the computer says it's $16."

"Okay, but the price is $14. It's printed on the tag."

"The computer is ringing it up at $16."

...?

...

"Fine, I don't want to buy it then."

sigh "I guess I could override it, but I'd have to void out the entire sale and start over."

"Okay!"

Did she really think I was going to pay more than the price because the computer said so and because she didn't feel like voiding out the sale? I really appreciated the attitude that came along with the transaction. That was nice. I know retail sucks but I was really reasonable about the whole thing and that just seemed to make her more peevish. I should totally return the second round of underwear and claim to have bought the wrong size again. Can you believe it?

Okay, enough grunting from me. Lock your doors, monkeys, and have a good weekend. Remember! My esteemed #1 birthday is on Monday so pour a forty on a nice-looking piece of ground for me, won't you?

3 chatty monkeys