There are two kinds of people in the world. The first kind is made up of people who will stand in line outside a Wal-Mart overnight for some ridiculous and overpriced gaming system. The second kind is made up people like me, who would never stand in line outside of a Wal-Mart for any damn thing. (Unless Shetland ponies were being given out - then I might have to reconsider.)

Surprisingly, this is not going to be an entry about the evils of the commercialism of the holidays because you know what? I LIKE GETTING PRESENTS. I do. I love the stuff! Bring it on! I also really like giving stuff and I enjoy the shopping for the stuff as well, I'm just not going to stand in line to do it. That's just stupid, kids. Plus, have you ever been outside of a Wal-Mart? Nastee.

See, I really love Christmas, minus the Christ part. I just take all the other stuff and run with it because it's a pagan holiday anyway. Jesus was born in July and the Christians just took a look at the winter solstice and decided that was the way to go. The Christmas tree? More of a Paganmas tree. I don't honestly give a shit either way. I like the pretty sparkly. I like the tacky lights. I like baking cookies. I like Feliz Navidad. I like Bing Crosby, A Christmas Story, bunting, wood fires, carols, and stockings, all of it. I love it. I love how slack everyone gets at work the week before Christmas and I like that people are nicer to each other. I get really fed up with scrooges who are all:

"Well, why can't people just be nicer all year round?"

I'll tell you why - because it's HARD. Being nice is hard fucking work and if I had to do it all year round I'd go postal. One month out of the year? That I can handle. Take it or leave it, asshole.

Anyway, Thanksgiving is tomorrow and I don't like it anywhere near as much as Christmas. I'm down with the eats, that's good, but I don't like that it's all based on some sort of fictionalized do-gooding between the Pilgrims and the Indians. The Indians brought popcorn and in return we give them small pox. Yay! Suck on it, natives! This is our country now, thanks! I hate that. Anyway, there is nothing wrong with the holiday itself, just that seeing how things went later, it seems a little hypocritical. That said, PIE. Bring on the pie.

I did my grocery shopping last weekend and truly, everyone seemed to be in a good mood. Lots of us were shopping ahead for Thanksgiving (note to the insane crazed shoppers at Ukrops last night- look into it) and everyone was much nicer than usual. There were seasonal foods aplenty and it makes me want to eat my weight in stuffing and mashed potatoes and then sleep until Christmas. I love fall food. Who am I kidding? I love food, period.

Wait, what was my point? I feel like I had one once.

Huh. Anyway, last night I stopped by Ukrops for green beans because the other Ukrops (a local grocery chain for those of you who ain't from here) only had brownish wilted excuses for green beans when I was there on Friday. Inside the store? It was madness. It was like everyone suddenly cottoned on to the fact that Thanksgiving was a mere two days away and decided that TUESDAY NIGHT was the perfect night because Wednesday night would be packed. I'll go Tuesday and beat the crowd, they though. Ha, they ALL THOUGHT THAT. I just went in for green beans and lo, the bin held but a few wilty brown beans. Sad, dude. Like, nobody though about maybe ordering more beans than usual? Ugh.

I had two choices: the disgusting Kroger across the street or the fancy organic food grocery down the block. I usually avoid the organic grocery for the simple fact that I cannot figure out how to get in and out of the parking lot. It sounds stupid and would take too long to explain, but the streets surrounding it are a confusing mess and there is absolutely no way to get in or out of that lot without almost having an accident. (If you live here you know EXACTLY what I'm talking about.)

Case in point, I turned out of the Ukrops lot and the driving assholes who would NOT let me over (and refused to make eye contact to even acknowledge that I wanted over) I missed getting in the one far right lane that would allow me to enter the Parking Lot of Doom. Instead, I found myself in a turn lane I didn't want to be in and then I had to fight my way over and try to get in at the other end of the lot, but had to wait for the homeless guy to drag his double-grocery-cart out of the way first. Meanwhile the SUVs were lined up honking behind me (I'm sorry, shall I run over the homeless guy, Mr. Lexus?) while the people stuck trying to get out of the lot were thanking their lucky stars and shooting out one after another. Jesus FREAKING hell, man.

I finally get in the lot, in a parking spot and in the store. Then I remembered the other reason I avoid this store - everything in it is so shiny and good and so, so ridiculously expensive. The green beans were simply beautiful and about $28 a pound. Okay, I exaggerate a little, but sincerely we are eating every LAST ONE of those beans, stringy parts and all. I also might have been lured into buying milk in a fancy glass bottle, not realizing until I was at the register that I was being charged an extra $1.50 deposit for the bottle, which, lets face it, I'm never going to return. Because of the parking lot.

Okay, rumor has it that there's free pizza upstairs and I'm all about free. Clearly this entry isn't going to get any kind of tied-up resolution, but enjoy your Thanksgiving and maybe feel a little bad for what whitey did to the Native Americans, okay? Okay. Happy holidays, kids!

6 chatty monkeys