How I Amuse Myself
Friday, Jan. 14, 2005 @ 12:45 p.m.

Since nobody is damn updating today (AND SOME OF US ARE BIG QUITTERS) I have been forced to amuse myself. How do I do that, you might ask? Well, here are some examples.

1) I write emails like this to the local mall:

This is regarding the women's 2nd floor bathroom in the Regency JC Penney. Is the bathroom lost in time? Does it exist in a different dimension from the cleaning staff? Has the store forgotten all about its existence? It's seriously the most disgusting and sad place ever, even sadder than that creepy pretzel place on the 2nd floor. It smells, it's dirty and the toilet seats are so old there are CHUNKS missing out of them. One of the faucets is broken and leaks all over the countertop. The soap? Non-existent. The smell? Really disgusting. Seriously, if Regency doesn't want to go the way of Willow Lawn, some standards really should be set for the anchor stores. Thanks.

Now, you guys know I'm not a germaphobe, but this bathroom is what you'd expect to find at, say, Billy Bob's Gas 'N Bait. For a mall that's clinging to the last hopes of still being considered upscale, it's sadly lacking in the bathroom area. Shit, the new fancy mall has bathrooms so nice you can't even believe your luck. The stalls? Have little wall niches for holding your bags! Amazing.

2) I read Janet's latest review of HOOTERS (!!!!1) My favorite line is:

"For our group, we ordered a platter of fifty wings and not a bite was left! They quickly made history."

The wings made history, y'all. Yes indeedy, they did.

3) I enter contests, as I've mentioned before. Here's what I've won so far:

- Givenchy perfume (stinky)
- Three YA novels about surfers (not my usual reading choice..)
- A ginormous baby tee advertising some brand of wine (non-fitty)
- A free movie pass (excellent)
- A big jar of Neutrogena acid peel stuff (haven't noticed a difference yet)

I have not yet won: an iPod, a Mini Cooper, a Pony, a gazillion dollars.

4) I read Dooce archives.

5) I fantasize about the snarky comebacks I wish to inflict on the World's Most Fucking Obnoxious Mail Guy. Example:

Mail Guy (coming in out of the pouring rain): "YA THINK IT'S GONNA RAIN? HA HA HA!"

Me: "I DON'T KNOW. YA THINK I MIGHT PUNCH YOU IN THE THROAT? HA HA HA!"

Please now resume your usual Friday work avoidance by UPDATING YOUR GODDAMN JOURNAL.

Thank You! The Management.

10 chatty monkeys

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