Is it weird to constantly be convinced that my untimely death is imminent? Like, I'll be driving along and think "hey, someone could bust out from that side street and totally nail me and yadda yadda yadda, fiery accident, that�d be it." This thought is immediately followed by another in the vein of "That sure would suck to miss Christmas and dammit, I really wanted to get the kitchen painted."

Sometimes I even fantasize about what the fall-out from my death will be. (How Goth of me!) Will my husband be able to move on? If he got remarried would it be uncool to haunt him? What would he do with all my stuff? What if my Mom finds my stash of porn from college that I never bothered to throw out? Really, I need a life (ha ha) or something because currently my hobby is wondering if they'll spring for a bagpipe player and remember that I want CREMATION ALL THE WAY. I do not want to be buried whole, thanks.

I guess preoccupation with death is fairly normal, but it's like I walk around with a sign that reads I COULD GO AT ANY TIME. I'm in perfect health and have never even broken a bone, but I'm convinced I'll be flattened by a school bus or felled by a flesh-eating virus. We're fragile, us living critters. This morning as I walked out to my car there was half of a dead mouse lying on the sidewalk, (It�s still there, Kenny. Thanks buddy.) courtesy of my cat, who I assume ate the other half. Nast, man.

So I'm looking at this little head and front paws and entrails (urp) and all I could think was how violent and weird death is and how fucking strange that we're all just a big mess waiting to happen. Gross, I know, but really my mind cannot fathom how someone I know or a pet I love could also be just a body. Did I just admit to believing in God? Maybe. Or maybe we're each our own really big project with an unknown but imminent deadline. So, in the manner of Costanza, we're all "working on the project." Maybe this means I should stop watching so much television and do something really good with my project? Should I get some neon poster board and make a triptych to display my experiments?

Experiments include:

- Relationships, the Effect of Television On (control group will be a cabbage)

- Divorce of Parents: a Positive or Negative Influence on Adulthood (control group will be stringy cranberry sauce)

- Learning Disability- Character Builder or Weakness? (control group will be Algebra textbook)

What are you doing, Adrien?

Just working on The Project. Top Priority.

11 chatty monkeys