What's Grosser than Gross?
Thursday, Oct. 21, 2004 @ 4:33 p.m.

My pants don't fit and it's making me grumpy. And no, it's not what you think. See, they fit when I bought them last week at the stupid GAP but after a few hours of wear they magically stretched to monstrous proportions, giving me phantom hips and a saggy butt. Thanks, Lycra.

The day did not get off to a swimming start. This morning I slid my feet into my clogs and as I started to walk I felt something cold and squishy by my right toe. I took off my clog, gave it a shake and out slid a half-squished and still twitching cave cricket. Gah! Gah! GAAAAH!

We've been over-run by the crickets, lately. Last night I went to pull a mixing bowl out of the cabinet and there was a wee brown cricket just chilling in it. Hello, cricket, can you not be in my cooking implements and/or shoes? I can't actually kill crickets (well, not intentionally, though my gigantic crushing TOE feels differently) because of my fondness for Cricket Magazine. Did you read that? It was a child reader's delight, full of good stories and had running commentary along the bottom by a group of insect pals. How can I kill Cricket? I cannot.

My day got better when my phone rang and I saw on the display that the cute new professor was calling me. Why was he calling me? I tried to pick up the phone and it slipped and I hung up on him. Smooth, that's me. He ended up having a question that was not actually for me so I redirected him after wowing him with my BFA intellect. Who need a PhD anyway? Braggy McBraggerson, that's who.

Some random things that have been bugging the crap out of me:

"Life is Good". Have you seen this stuff? t-shirts and bumper stickers that just say "Life is Good". I always wondered what the hell it was about. Was it a slogan for something? I finally discovered that it was mysteriously unaffiliated, just a slogan for nothing, like that stupid Peace Frogs crap. Related: I occasionally see bumper stickers that say "POSEIDON SWIMMING". A rock band? A political movement? An actual swim team that likes to be mysterious? I need things EXPLAINED. I'm DENSE. Life is Good. That is so fucking deep, man. Let's print it on a bunch of over-priced hoodies and make some money.

I'm going to start my own line: Life is Sometimes Acceptable Unless You're Voting For Bush. Then it Sucks For Me.

Goddamn Baskin-Robbins. They made a new seasonal flavor, Gingerbread ice cream. That sounds perfect. Just awesome. That sounds like something I could eat a lot of and not get sick of. Oh, but they hate me. They had a meeting and figured out how to foil my love for gingerbread ice cream. Here's what they did: added a "swirl of blueberry ribbon." Nasty, man. In what sick twisted world does blueberry and gingerbread go together? In a nasty world, that's what. Almost as gross as the time Noah got a combo scoop of blueberry ice cream and coffee ice cream. What a waste.

Contemporary Country music. Normally this is just an accepted low-level hatred, but lately Rascal Flatts has entered my radar and I had NO IDEA how bad things had gotten. I caught a Rascal Flatts (the name alone = instant death. "Rascal" is on my mental list of words I hate) concert on TV and I was mesmerized by the metrosexual horror of it. Horror! I couldn't stop watching. The lead singer? Was wearing a leather shirt and matching leather pants. I shudder to think. So I will stop thinking.

Starting....now.

6 chatty monkeys

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