News Items I Done Seen Lately.

There seems to be a startling new trend lately in escaped animal wrangling. Instead of all that irritating catching or tiresome darting with tranquilizers, the new fool thing to do is just to kill the animal dead, preferably in a hail of gunfire. Escaped declawed pet tiger? Shoot it. runaway bull? Shoot it. legendary giant hog? Hail of gunfire, string it up. Alligator what bit some guy? Shoot it. (Now, I understand the alligator didn't actually escape, and it did attack the guy, but dude was hanging around by the edge of a lake in freaking Florida. What did he expect?) The best part of the alligator article is this:

...he saved himself by punching the beast in the nose. The man was later arrested on grand theft charges unrelated to the incident.

Ha! The alligator was just doing his civic duty! And see? See where it got him? This is why you should never be a do-gooder. Not worth it.

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Headline I Saw Recently:

"Federal regulators probing Krispy Kreme". Hahhaha. I just imagine a bunch of officials with pointy sticks seated around a table, upon which sits a lone Krispy Kreme donut. Poor donut.

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Stupidest Thing Ever:

The whole celebrity/Kaballah red string bullshit. Nothing like a trendy celebrity version of an ancient religion! And look! The red string can be purchased at Target, for the low, low price of $25.99. I said Goddamn.

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My Dumb New Addiction:

This is so ridiculous, but I love it. A friend sent me a link to www.online-sweepstakes.com and I'll tell you Goddamn right I'm going to win:

a) a Mini Cooper
b) an iPod
c) some sort of useless horrible crap like a Shrek 2 beach mat

I totally am. I've been entering tons of contests and, as yet, have not won anything, but it's only a matter of time until I'm listening to my iPod while driving my Mini back and forth over the Shrek 2 beach mat, whatever the fuck that is. And don't you dare go to that site and enter any of the Mini Cooper contests because that car is MINE.

What? Oh, I'm sorry, do you drive a molting 1988 Chevy Nova with a saggy headliner and a radio that only works due to a small wedge of paper holding the power button in? I didn't think so, champ. Mitts off my car.

I'm also going to win a horse. Check this out: Horse contest. They give one away every single month! Zoning be damned, Little Miss Nickers is coming home with me!

The best part about online-sweepstakes.com is the forum. These people? Take sweeping very, very seriously and are sent into convulsions of joy over the most insignificant wins. An average post is something like:

I was so excited when I won a mini Scooby poster and then right after that a weinermobile toy. It really was my lucky day. Thanks for putting together such a wonderful and fun site! I love it!! Good luck to all the sweepers here!!

Posts like this are followed by scores of equally gif-filled CONGRATULATIONS!!!1 from all the other forum members. It's sad and funny all at once, but mostly just of sad.

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Restaurant "Review"

New Janet review! Wow, Janet, you like your food "hot" and not "lukewarm"? I had no idea, as you never, ever mention it. If I was the chef in a restaurant she reviewed, I'd make sure her food was so flaming ass hot that it would take the roof off the top of her mouth. I'd take a fucking blow-torch to it. That'll teach her.

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My esteemed #1 sister has created herself a journal. Please to be reading:Freshhell.

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Have a good weekend, my manky monkeys!

5 chatty monkeys