I know, I know, I even disappoint myself. My job is such a race against the clock now that I have a GOAL and everything. Have I met the GOAL? No. Will I meet the goal? Doubtful. Do I care about the GOAL? Eh, no. Not really.

With the cube move, I've also been stuck right in the middle of some of the most annoying people on earth. I've already introduced some of them, but here are a few highlights from the past couple of days:

Remember Down With Jesus, the lady who works free overtime? It ends up she does report some of it (and is paid for it) but is afraid to report all of it because she doesn't want them to know how much she works. Well, I've discovered why she has to work so much: all she does between the hours of 8:00am and 5:00pm is talk. She never shuts her yap. Ever. And mostly she yaps about how other people aren't doing their job. And she talks about food. And church. And her child. And church. Blaaarrrrggh.

We also have Loud Mouth Redneck Gal, who's a hard-bitten menthol smoker with a blurry tattoo and the requisite frizzy blonde perm/claw bangs. She pronounces "Saturday" as "Sayerday" which, for some reason, drives me crazy. She's also kind of mean to customers on the phone which really drives me crazy. She doesn't sit that close to me, but damn her voice carries.

Then there's Ole Busy Body. This woman just plain sucks. The other day I was walking down the hall, content in my thoughts, when she passed by me and said, apropos of nothing, "You know, frowns cause wrinkles!" Asshole. Only an asshole would say such a thing.

It's right up there with being told to SMILE! by strange men. Who the fuck walks around with a big goofy-dick grin on their face? Especially in a loan center? I didn't think of the perfect comeback until half an hour later. It's "Well, you must frown a lot!"

I've saved the best for last. I've been adopted. Oh yes, I've been adopted by Eager Life Change Lady. This is a woman who discovered by accident that I don't eat meat. Hey, she's trying to be a vegetarian too! She still eats a little chicken and occasionally some steak, but mostly she doesn't! Can I tell her what I eat? In detail? Do I take yoga? What kind of soy milk do I recommend?

At first I didn't mind answering her questions, as I'm always encouraging of people who want to make positive changes. But then I realized this woman saw me as some sort of alternative lifestyle guru. To her, I'm Different. Of course, to her, I'm also a vegetarian, even though I've gently pointed out several times that fish (which I do eat) counts as meat.

Every day for the last week, she's cornered me and babbled on about something I don't particularly want to know. Yesterday's topic: her menopause. I'm scared! Somebody hold me.

Ah, but the capper! She found out about the Vegetarian Festival being held this weekend and she's SO EXCITED. However, her husband said she can't take the grandchildren to the festival because there would probably be Hare Krishna folks there and everyone knows they kidnap children.

Say what?

No, I do not live out in the back woods. No, it's not 1947. I know. I know. She didn't even seem entirely convinced that he was full of shit! Perhaps you didn't know vegetarian = child-stealing cult members? Neither did I. I was speechless after she told me this and could only stare at her. What do you say in the face of such ignorance?

Anyway, this is what I deal with on a daily basis. These are the people processing your mortgage refinances (stop it, by the way). Dear Mr. Jesus, please bring me a DAMN JOB, PREFERABLY WITHOUT THE CRAZY. THANKS.

Good night my little monkeys and a belated happy birthday to our dear Palinode!

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