Save Me A Seat. In Hell.
Thursday, Jun. 19, 2003 @ 4:17 p.m.

I'M OLD. I AM A GRUMPY OLD LADY. KIDS TODAY! BAH!

So last night, I'm winding down my pre-bedtime Internet surfing, when I begin to hear noises- voices, hoots and hollers. Party? On a Wednesday night? Mother f...

I look out the back door and sure enough, the next-door back yard is fill with young hooligans, whooping it up. Then, the music started. "I GOT TA MOVE IT, MOVE IT! I GOT TA MOVE IT MOVE IT!"

Oh, hell no.

It's Wednesday night and the student-filled duplex next door is having a party. The house is about 2 feet from our duplex and the upstairs windows line up exactly. If the people in the upstairs apartment watch TV, I can hear everything. Now, imagine that, instead of TV, they've just stuffed the apartment full of drunk fucks. Great. They were in the back yard, in both apartments and also congregating on the front porch (near another bedroom window).

OH, HELL NO.

I started to reach for a bra and my shoes, so I could go out and have a little word with them, but then I stopped. I didn't want to be that woman- the bed headed, next-door lady freak in her cat-hair covered pajamas who shrieks about how she has to get up at SIX FORTY FIVE the next morning so she can GO TO HER REAL JOB in order to PAY RENT as her PARENTS AREN'T SUPLEMENTING HER INCOME, YOU DISRESPECTFUL BRATS.

Right, yeah. Anyway. Don't want to be that lady. So I did the next best thing- I called the cops. Oh yeah, I did. I called the Po-lice! And when talking to the non-emergency dispatcher, I said something along the lines of "...lots of students, loud music and certainly drinking." God, I'm a narc now, too?

It gets worse. After making the call, I hunkered down by the front window so I could see this shit go down when the cops show up. Yes, I was spying on them, waiting for their downfall. I eventually got bored with this (as non-emergency calls, surprisingly, do not equal instant SWAT team) and turned on the air conditioner and fan to drown out the noise. Then I read for a while because I was too worked up to sleep, and half an hour later, the noise out front stopped dead. Ha. Hahahaa. Showed them. Kids today, I swear.

******************************

Loan Center Haute Couture.

Aww, yeah. Summer has hit the loan center, and out come the too-tight capri pants! Disney-themed resort wear! Patriotic vacation t-shirts!

And let's not forget the bad shoe choices. Prime example:

A woman seen standing outside, wearing strappy high-heeled sandals that were clearly a Bad Choice. She had both straps unbuckled, her toes were swathed in white bandages and her feet were swelling over the toe strap in protest. I'll bet she threw those shoes away when she got home.

Ah, but today's true winner was spotted at the front desk:

Red, skin-tight, capri pants, red tank top, long red fake nails. The piece d'resistance? Her seriously high-heeled red strappy sandals that had criss-cross laces halfway up her hairy legs. Tangled in with one of the laces was a gold ankle bracelet. Klassy.

If writing this didn't confirm my reservation in hell, nothing will.

***********************

I Clearly Need New Ideas.

I bought sandwich bags the last time I went the store. I bought the exact same kind I always do- the basic Ziplocs. I opened the new box and pulled out a baggie...and pulled and pulled and pulled. For no reason whatsoever, the baggies are significantly longer. It's not that I'm upset, I just don't get it. There is nothing on the box indicating I'd received 33% more bag than before. Why would they do that?

I held the new baggie up to the old kind and they are indeed a couple of inches longer. Why in the hell? Are they trying to force me to super-size my snacks and sandwiches? Heeeey, I can fit 33% more snack in these new baggies! Right! On! Thank God they made the baggies bigger, I'm sick of this regular-sized sandwich shit. I want to fit a whole baguette in this here baggie! Ooh, or maybe it's some sort of drug thing? 33% more pot than before? What the hell am I even talking about?

***********************

Are You Linking At Me?

I love some classic Pamie. "Coffee is important. I am imnpseo important. i am fast. quick like bunny. but bunnies don't need coffee but YOU DO! you nneeed me to live!"

Please immediately go read this restaurant review from the Chattanoogan. So bizarrely Onion-y, but it's for real! Haw! There's another good one here. Janet hones the fine "art" of "pointless" quotation marks. Wayne? Doesn't "do" black olives.

In small-town news, Snoop makes a stop for burger in Bishop. "But all in all, most of the retirees were unimpressed by Snoop's stop." (via Obscure Store)

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