I'm a Loser Baby, So Why Don't You Kill Me.

So, a while ago, my sister, who's a development researcher, found the biography of my best friend from elementary school, and thinking I'd be interested, sent it to me. Holy freaking crap. I lost touch with her after middle school and, while I always knew she was smart, I didn't realize she was fat-headedly brilliant. Here's her biography:

Biography: Zoe Smart*

Zoe Smart, a specialist on Islam in sub-Saharan West Africa, is working toward her Ph.D. in African History at Harvard University. A Rhodes Scholar, she studied at Oxford University in England where she completed her Masters of Philosophy in Modern Middle Eastern Studies in 1997. Ms. Smart has worked as an editor at the Royal Institute for Inter-Faith Studies in Amman, Jordan, and has traveled extensively in Africa and the Middle East. She received her B.A. in History, with a concentration in Africa, from the University of Virginia in 1995.

*name changed to protect the annoyingly brilliant

Nice, huh? This prompted me, naturally, to write my own damn biography. It looked something like this:

Biography: Adrien Smartass*

Adrien Smartass, a specialist-of-sorts on pop culture, crap television and amateur mountain bike racing, is working toward finding a real job. Not much of a scholar, she casually studied at VCU in Richmond where she completed her Bachelor of Fine Arts, Magna Cum Laude (ooh, fancy!) in 1994. Ms. Smartass has worked as a researcher at three different companies, two of which laid her off. She has traveled extensively in Virginia, if by extensively, we mean Washington DC and occasionally Virginia Beach. She also wanted us to mention she's been to New York seven whole times. She received her B.F.A., with a concentration in slacking off, from V.C.U. in 1994, but we already said that up in the space where her non-existent master's degree would've gone. Currently, Ms. Smartass is working as a low-paid temp at a bank loan center. She's got stars in her eyes, really.

*name changed to protect the sheepish dolt

Ha. Oh well. We can't all change the world, right? Some of us have to slack on our futon couch, wearing pajamas and eat chocolate gummi bears while watching Survivor. That sounds like the job for me, alright. But you know what? Zoe was a nice friend and even though I haven't seen her in years, I'm proud of her. Good for her. I should send her some gummi bears and maybe the first season of The Osbournes on DVD, just to catch her up on what the other 90% of us are doing. Ha.

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Take the Un-telligence Test. I'm 38% un-telligent.

Well, Thank God. Cher's Wig has been recovered. (I ain't a Rhodes Scholar but I know how to find the really important news, that's for damn sure.)

I though you should know Abbie The Cat Has A Posse.

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I'm a driver I'm a winner
Things are gonna change I can feel it.

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