Winter Of My Malcontent

Did I sign up to live in the mid-west? Did I win the nasty weather lottery? Since when does it snow on a weekly basis here? I live in the South! For a reason! I live in the kind of place where it's Big! News! if we get a few measly inches of snow all winter. When snow is forecast, people line up at the grocery store the night before to buy food (in case they get snowed in, you know), and the local news films the people shopping. I wish I was kidding.

Ah, but not this year. I swear, it's snowed/sleeted/freezing rained every damn week for the past three months. This town is over it. I was at the grocery store last night and there was no line at all. You know it's bad when Richmonders get all blas� about snow.

I normally like a good snow storm (A snow storm. Singular.) but this is just out of hand. Over it. Want spring now. Want to frolic in the sunshine. Want to ride mountain bike. Growl.

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The other morning there was footage on the news of two cars on an ice-covered, narrow, highway overpass. The cars were skating and spinning around in slow circles, with occasional bumping ricochets off the retaining wall. As I watched this, weird, high pitched keening noises started coming out of my mouth.

Kenny looked over at me questioningly and I was all "Baby, baby, baby, you do not understand! That is my NIGHTMARE! If I was in one of those cars I'd be freaking out in new and creative ways! You have no idea." He laughed at me, but I'm telling you, I hate those highway overpasses even when it's warm and sunny out. They freak me out, and the retaining walls are too low. I don't like heights of any kind, much less in a car that's doing lazy triple-lutzes all over the place. I'd pee my pants.

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Memo To: Cube Neighbor with a Head Cold.
From: It Doesn't Matter. I'm Going to Kill You Anyway.

Cube neighbor, I understand you have a cold and feel nasty. I understand all of the fluids in your head are trying to drain out of your nose. However, there are better ways to deal with it than sniffing noisily and deeply every 10 seconds.

Point One: Kleenex.
Point Two: Medication
Point Three: Just stay the hell home.

Really, the SnNOoooORPggGGHH noise is GETTING. TO. ME. I might have to kill you if you don't stop.

Thank you for understanding.

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More Joys of Winter.

Milton has a collection of sweaters that he only wears when it gets really cold. Two of them are sweaters of such startling ugliness that I kind of like them. One has a frenetic, multi-color abstract design in the zingy style of Cliff Huxtable. The other is beige wool with a weird linear design on the front; It's the sort of hideous thrift-store chic that hipster kids would wear with snarky irony.

He rocks those sweaters, especially when he wears his original Member's Only jacket over them. Honestly, I shouldn't make fun of Milton. It's like shooting fish in a barrel; there's no real challenge in it. Also, I really do like him when he's not annoying the crap out of me.

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A Little Something About War Protest Protesters.

One of the assy local DJs was bitchy the other day because a bunch of famous musicians were planning a war protest. Assy DJ's stance was that they should protest after they went overseas to entertain the troops. Dude, what? People are allowed to protest! That's one of the few cool things about America- your right to peaceful protest.

Please don't get me wrong, I'm not anti-troops, I'm anti-war. There's a difference. I'm sure it sucks to be stationed in Iraq, but I'm also sure that a lot of the soldiers aren't too keen on war either. I'm guessing many of them would like to be doing anything but fighting in a battle that's all our president's daddy's fault to begin with.

I get really upset at the attitude that Protesting War = Anti-America. That's bullshit. Call me a pacifist (except for the, uh, co-worker death threat above) but I don't think I'm against America because I disagree with our warmonger idiot of a president. He's wrong. War is bad. The End.

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Point-Counterpoint: The Iraq Invasion from The Onion.

Haha! I was searching on Google for something that would tell me the correct usage of the semi-colon, and this is the URL for the first hit I got:

www.axell.org/young-pink-pussy-hole-gallery.htm

I didn't look, but I'm sure it will be ultra-useful for my grammar queries.

0 chatty monkeys